Approaching Death Free of Attachment

An Edited Excerpt from Oral Teachings by Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche, July 2000

This retreat is a wonderful opportunity for us to have [now His Eminence] Yongdzin (Lopon) Tenzin Namdak Rinpoche here, especially for those of you who don't know him. Yongdzin Rinpoche is the principal teacher of the Bön Buddhist tradition, and for me personally, he has been my root master and the person who cared for me when I was growing up. This morning I was making a little pancake for breakfast for him, and he said, "Oh, this is what I used to make for you!" When I was 10 years old I didn't know how to cook, so he made me that pancake a number of times. Now 30 years later, he could say, "This is what you learned from me!" [laughter] I have been very fortunate, and we all are so fortunate that I can now share my teacher like this with you.

There are so many different ways we can approach learning the dharma. When we approach the bardo teachings in Lopon's scholarly way, very carefully going through all the details of the ancient texts, I know what must go through new people's minds! Please have patience. Understand as much as you can of the details. Try to get as much as possible. But as I said this morning, don't worry about what you don't get. Listen and try to understand, and what you don't understand, don't worry about. This is the place to work with what you do understand, what you do connect with, what you do feel. And what you don't understand, don't work too much in that area.

Speaking a bit more on what Lopon said today, we are cultivating devotion, inspiration and connection, and if you didn't want to do that, you wouldn't be here. It is your wanting that brings you here – wanting to engage with the practice. Ultimately, hopefully, the wanting and wishing and desiring will be the basis of your illumination. Illumination comes from there. In the West sometimes people misunderstand this. Especially in the '60s and '70s, spiritual pursuits often seemed to be more about "Don't worry, be happy, have no attachment, do whatever comes to mind." This is not what the teachings are saying. The teachings encourage us to be responsible. Whatever happens to you, the consequences are based on your actions.

For example, love is at the foundation of all spiritual traditions. We all seek and want to be loved. But there is a degree to which love can be painful, if it is based too much on attachment and too little on loving-kindness. At the same time, there may be some people in your life with whom you would prefer not to engage too much in this lifetime. It is okay to feel this way about someone. Just be sure not to engage with them in a negative way. These are examples of the kind of detachment that is helpful in preparing for one's own death.

You may know someone who is in the process of dying, or who is experiencing sickness or old age. In each of these cases, one of the most difficult internal things people face before they die – the external difficulties would be the sickness itself, the medical treatments, the pain, etc. – is that they don't want to give up. That is the most common form of suffering. People don't want to give up their body, their loved ones, their identity. They don't want to give up their wealth, or anything else they are familiar with. They don't know what will happen if they let these things go. What really happens? It is very hard to know, but for sure one is going to lose everything when one dies. Those close to one who has died feel sad for one year, two years, and then later, people forget.

The most difficult thing people face at death is their own grasping mind. It seems silly to talk about attachment to a fancy dress, but you never know what a person might be attached to as they die. I may be attached to the idea that I made so much money, it is all there in my savings account, but now I can't use it. I have a beautiful house, beautiful things, but now I cannot use these things. I have so many good friends and I didn't spend enough time with them. All these feelings are based on intense and serious attachment, which is hard to step back from. The moment you step back from it, it hurts.

We have the question of how one can help dying people. The teachings at this retreat give part of the answer: Never create a situation that contributes to a dying person's sense of attachment. That is the lesson here. Avoid being someone to whom the dying person feels attached, and avoid creating a situation that reminds the person of things that evoke attachment. Does that make sense?

As the person approaches death, when you engage in conversation with them you can get a sense of where the person is. Of course, you don't want to say outright, "Come on, be detached. It is okay for me to be attached, but you are the one who is leaving!" You don't want to go with that. Instead, you can try to loosen up the conversation so it is lighter and more spacious. The mind should not be holding on, not only at the moment of death but also at the time of any departure, such as going on a long journey, or even going to sleep. Your state of mind right before you fall asleep has a strong effect on the quality of your dreams. And your state of mind before death has a strong effect on your experiences in the bardo, or on your experiences in your next life to come.

During any major transition it is important to have a sense of lightness and spaciousness. At those times one should not cultivate heavy and dark experiences. So, lighter and spacious – that explains everything.

Tenzin Rinpoche will be teaching on "Guidance for Living and Dying: Commentary on the Bardo Teachings" at the annual Fall Retreat at Serenity Ridge, October 22–27, 2019. You can learn more/register on the Serenity Ridge website.