Relating Well to Death and Living Life Fully Now

An Excerpt from Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche's Fall 2021 Retreat

During this retreat we are meditating and imagining that we have only one year left to live, and coming to feel the strong sense of impermanence this evokes. If I truly have only one year to live, what would I do? What are the priorities in my life? And what would I stop doing? The reason we want to think in this way is that it is never too late to change things in our life. So what is preventing you? Well, what is really preventing you is your current pain identity made up of the patterns that you have been holding on to now for quite a long time. That pain identity is preventing your experiencing a fuller sense of openness, flow and joy, and preventing you from doing what you would like to do.

And it also affects our relationship with death. Death is not a personal problem. Death happens to everyone, every Buddha, every bodhisattva, every famous person, every successful person. There's nothing wrong about it. We can have a better relationship with our death, and the sense that when the moment comes may I be okay with that. Because truly it is not an end, it's a beginning. It is not a stop, it's a continuation of existence and your rebirth. It is not a failure, it's a completion of something.

What makes death most difficult is this famous pain identity that I have been talking about all the time. And it is not one, it is many small pain identities. Clearly there are moments in the process of dying when one feels completely okay. But then there are moments when one feels, okay maybe I need to prepare myself. Preparing oneself primarily comes down to these two things: to live fuller and share fuller, serve fuller; and then also to not get caught up in the stories. You wish and you pray that when the moment of death comes, you will completely embrace it and have peace with it.

So moment to moment, our attitude and feeling toward the dying process has something to do with our identity. And one identity that we all have deep inside is what we call in Tibetan dak dzin, permanent grasping. We all have that; this deep sense of forever. In the teaching it talks about dak dzin, which literally could be translated as self-grasping. Using more common language, I translate it as pain identity. I like that, because it's easy to understand. The simple definition of pain identity is when I identify myself not with my strength but with my weakness. You see, most of your identity is based on your conditions, and not on your potentiality. It is based on your closedness, and not on your openness. It is based on your limits, and not on your boundlessness. So limits, closedness, conditions produce pain. And whatever identity produces pain, that is what I call pain identity.

In death and dying it is the same thing; the resistance toward death, fear of death, fear of change, fear of transition. All these fears are different faces of essentially one single sense of identity, and that usually has to do with this permanent-grasping identity, this sense of forever. If you ask yourself, are you going to live forever, of course no one is going to say, yes to that, unless they're crazy. Nevertheless, the sense is there, a kind of hidden, unspoken secret wish, desire, need, fantasy, dream: I'll live forever. And that is why I have to struggle, that's why I have to accumulate more, that's why I have to work hard and save, and that's why in my striving to accumulate, I may even have to be a little mean to be able to accumulate enough. That's the idea, you know? I have to fight for this ego, because this ego is going to live forever. Look closely in yourself, and I hope you can see it. That is what makes our life more problematic and brings more conflict in our life, more confusion in our life, more pain in our life, more blockages in our life, more fear of death and the process of dying.

Again, what makes the transition of death and dying most difficult are essentially two things. One is the pain identity that does not want to lose itself. And second is the pain identity that is attached to objects, such as family, possessions, titles, status, none of which lasts. It all arises out of this one single sense of identity, which secretly believes in FOREVER and it's called, dak dzin. That is exactly the reason why we do the practice of impermanence, so that we are really able to see it.

Some of you here at this retreat are older than me, and some of you are younger, but we are all more or less in similar situations. Even if you live long, how long will that be? Not that much, right? But the way that you are living your life right now, the ways that you behave and the ways that you plan things, it's clear you obviously have a different plan. Your behavior doesn't correspond to the amount of time you have left. If your behavior directly corresponded to how much time you have left, then you certainly wouldn't be behaving like you behave. Everything that makes you angry would not make you angry. Everything that bothers you would not bother you if you've calculated well how much time you have left. If you have calculated that, then people would not bother you because they would not be able to bother you; conditions would not bother you because they would not be able to bother you; changes in life would not bother you because they would not be able to bother you. Even if somebody is rather mean to you, criticizing you, they would not bother you. Your famous person would lose the power. Why? Because you know just how much time you have left.

Do you see how, with that understanding in mind, we just don't have time to worry anymore? I feel that way. It's not worth worrying about anything, because worrying is not necessarily smart. It does not necessarily have a lot of clarity. It does not necessarily have a lot of fire. It's not very engaging, active, productive, is it? It is just a confusing behavior. The same with your being aggressive, or saying something mean to someone, or getting into this pain competition with someone, in families particularly. It's time to let everybody win. Find victory in the ability to lose. Find power in the ability to give up power. I feel very strongly that the real power is not in the one who grasps and holds onto power. The real power is in the one who can let go of the power that they have. So it is the time to let go. It's not worth getting angry, it's not worth getting agitated. At this point in life, if you want to live fully, you have to really truly change your view. And the view will change if you truly develop this sense that you only have one year to live. Because really one year, 10 years, 20 years, they're not that much different.

Personally, I will say, there are a lot of things that you will be able to let go of, because you won't be reinforcing the pain identity that needs to hold onto them. As a result of that, many things will manifest. Sometimes it may be forgiveness, even though for so long you've held the belief: how can I forgive them for that! If you are closed, then you cannot forgive, but because you are feeling more open, you can forgive. Sometimes it may manifest in your being gentler, being softer, being less critical, less judgmental, collaborating more with people, being more accepting, contributing more the things that you can contribute, and recognizing, too, when it is not your place to contribute things. It could be anything, but whatever it is, it's a joy.

So the result is that we will have more joy in living. What does that mean, joy in living? It could mean anything. Doing nothing, simply getting up in the morning and watching the sunrise could be such a joy. Or just walking down the street smelling the different scents could be such a joy. Or just watching the kids play can be very joyful. Or seeing two people walking by and holding hands can be very joyful. You see, when you want to be happy, then everything can make you happy. And when you want to be sad, then even the Buddha can make you sad. If the Buddha showed up full of light, you would complain that it seems like too much light. So life is like that.

Clearly in life there are a lot of people enjoying so much, despite all that they don't have. As well, there are a lot of people who are not able to enjoy themselves despite all that they do have. We see that all the time. So in our own life the little ups and downs will not change us so much, but what will change us is to awaken and to recognize. I would encourage you to continuously reflect on only having one year left to live. Try to be more aware of the pain identity, try to be aware of the permanent grasping mind, try to be a little bit more aware of specific things that you are attached to, particularly where that attachment is causing issues, problems, pain. If you recognize that you only have one year to live, then you will not be worrying so much about that. That's clear, right?